Less Than Two Weeks Away

I saw my surgeon today for the last time before I see him again on surgery day.  He was very happy with my weight loss for these past couple of weeks.  Told me to keep on doing what I’m doing because I’ve already gotten passed the hard part.  I hope he’s right!

Not looking forward to the two days before surgery, tho.  Those two days I will be on a completely liquid diet.  No solid food at all.  Ugh.  Gotta keep my focus tho.. Keep my goals in mind.  It will pay off in the end.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety these past couple of days.  Am I doing the right thing? Will I be successful?  What happens if I don’t wake up from surgery?  All kinds of scary thoughts creeping into my mind.  Both rational and irrational.  I just keep giving myself pep talks.. So far it’s working

I’m sure my anxiety is only going to get worse tho.. I know myself.  I like to work myself up for things all the time.  I can’t help it.  Wish I could.

Sooo.. a week from this Thursday I go to the hospital for pre-admission testing.  Then Friday mom arrives from Jersey to take care of me.  We’ve decided to take a little road trip that weekend before my surgery.  We’re going to visit family over in Fort Myers.  I’m excited to see everyone again!  But- I will be on my all liquid diet this weekend so it’s going to be hard..

But I will do it.

Pretending To Like Fruit

So I’m in the middle of my third week on this high protein diet.  The headaches have subsided. (Thank God!) I’m getting into the swing of things.  It’s almost become habit already.  What is it? Do anything for 21 days and it becomes a habit?  Let’s hope so!

Had some temptations this weekend when hubby and I were at Dave & Busters.  Their potato skins looked soo yummy… But he was so great and supportive.  He was ok with leaving and not eating anything there.  That helped me greatly.  I felt weak and he was there to help me be strong.  I’m sure I’ll need that again in the future.

What do I not need?  I don’t need you telling me that I can have ‘just one bite’.  I don’t need you telling me that ‘one time won’t mess up my diet’.  I don’t need you eating dessert in front of me because you know that’s my weakness.

And yes, I experienced all three of those things in the past couple of weeks.

What is helping me the most?

I pretend to like fruit.  I mean I guess I don’t hate fruit.  But it’s definitely not my first.. second.. or third choice.  But every day, I eat fruit.. usually two or three times a day.  And I eat it with a smile.  And I pretend to look forward to it.  My daddy always says, “You gotta fake it till you make it”.  I guess that’s what I’m doing.

I do have to say.. this time is going awfully slow.  My days in general feel SOOO much slower then before this diet.  What do I make of that?  That I was focused on food all the time and it kept me busy?  Probably.

Now when I step outside I take a deep breath and inhale the greasy smelling wondrous food I used to eat.  It’s just the smells from the restaurants in the area.. but damn, they sure smell good right now.  Gross, right?

Official Before Photo

Here are my official before pictures.  I did not photoshop myself at all.  So you’re seeing it all.. all the curves.. and the imperfections.. the cottage cheese on my thighs.. BAM! It’s all there for everyone to see.  I must be crazy for posting this…

Week One Under My Belt

Well, I made it thru one whole week of this high protein diet.  Even stuck to my diet on the weekend!!  I planned ahead for every meal… Used a cooler on the weekend to make sure I had fruits and protein shakes with me while hubby and I were out and about.  It was hard.  But I did it.
And I’m so proud of myself

I’ve been getting a lot of headaches from this diet.  Hopefully that will go away soon.  Until then, I just try and have Advil Liquid Gel Caps with me at all times.

I’m cranky like hell from this diet.. And my poor husband is having to deal with my crap… Let’s hope that gets better, too.

I’m determined.

I’m motivated.

And nothing can stop me.  Onto the next week…

Day One and Two of the High Protein Diet

So yesterday I started the high protein diet.  This consists of an Atkins protein shake for breakfast, and Atkins protein shake for lunch, and a high protein dinner consisting of low fat meats (yesterday I had Turkey Meatballs).  I can work in some low carb veggies and fruits.. except I’m not a huge fan of veggies- I’ll stick with the fruits.  Doctor also said I can do sugar free popsicles and sugar free pudding and such..  I’m doing sugar free italian ice at night before I go to bed.  During the day I snacked on a banana.  I’m not really sure if I’m supposed to be drinking coffee… but I’m still drinking it.

Yesterday around 2:30pm I had the craziest headache.  I was hungry and my body was mad at me.  That’s when I had a banana.  That didn’t really help, but oh well, I’m determined to do this, and if that means suffering a little.. then I guess I’m gunna have to suffer.

I’m anxious a lot lately.  I wake up at 5 or 6 am every day and my heart feels like it’s racing.. my thoughts are a parade in my head going in circles… I know it’s because I’m stressed with all the trouble I’ve had so far.  I can’t help but be ‘on alert’ for the next thing that will cause me trouble.  I’m exhausted.  So tired of being let down.. I feel like if I stay ‘on alert’ I won’t be let down because I will already have been expecting it.  My therapist says I’m putting myself through torture.  I agree with her.  But I feel like I can’t control my thoughts.  It’s almost like a ‘fight or flight’ response.
I’m just glad my depression is not too bad this week.  They had to switch my anti-depressant and my anti-anxiety medication from extended release to regular release last week.  This is in preparation for surgery, since I will have to be able to crush my pills and you can’t crush extended release pills.  I was worried about the switch in medication coinciding with a major depression meltdown.  So far I’ve been good.  Let’s hope I stay that way!

My Best Friend

This protein shake will be my best friend for the next 2-3 months.

More Ups and Downs

The last time I posted was to let you know that I was approved and scheduled for surgery on October 17th. A few days later the surgeons office called me to let me know that they would not be performing the surgery after all…

I’ve been in the middle of what seems like a terrible nightmare since then, and have not had the energy to post about any of it.  It all started with the phone call I received from the surgeons office telling me that he will no longer be performing that surgery for me.  Why not? I wanted answers.. immediate answers.. In tears, I raced to the dr’s office just a few blocks away.  “This has to be a mistake” I kept telling myself.. but it wasn’t.  When I saw Dr. Wier, he was cold, rude, and flat out told me that I would not be successful.  I stormed out of the office, still hysterical, and quickly went into action.

I was going to get another doctor.

I don’t know how I sprung into action so quickly, but I did.  Through tears, still parked in Dr. Wier’s parking lot, I called two other bariatric surgeons that I had previously considered before making my selection.  Voicemails.  For now, that would have to be enough.  At that time, I couldn’t do anymore.
I went to work and had a miserable day.  My depression started to sink in.. This wasn’t going to happen anymore.. I felt like a failure.

By the end of my work day, I was feeling slightly more positive and in control.  I got a call back from one of the offices I’d called earlier that day and made an appointment.  The soonest they could see me was 2 weeks out.

Let me interject here that because surgery had already been scheduled on October 17th, my mother who lives in N.J. had already purchased a plane ticket to come stay with me for a week to help me during recovery.  I was on a time crunch.  I NEEDED surgery to happen on October 17th.
Two weeks out was the earliest they could see me for an initial visit.  It would have to do.. I would just wait and see if another office called me back and had an earlier opening.

Thank God I didn’t have to.

An angel walked into my office at work that afternoon- that’s right, an ANGEL.  That’s the only way I could describe her because she HAD to have been sent by God.  This client sat in my office and told me about her journey through bariatric surgery. She’d lost a lot of weight and heard from my boss that I was going through some struggles with my journey.  Before she left, she gave me the name of her doctor that performed the surgery here in Central Florida, who came highly recommended.
I barely waited a minute after she left the office before I picked up the phone and called their offices.  This was not one of the other doctors I had considered, but I remembered his name having come up in my research in the past.  I was about to get in to see the doctor in 1 week and when I explained my situation, they were very sympathetic and willing to do whatever they could to work with me.   This was a clear message to me that Dr. Beltre was supposed to be my doctor if this surgery was still going to happen.  After I got off the phone I immediately called the office that wasn’t going to be able to see me for 2 weeks and canceled my appointment.

For a week, my depression was very intense.  I still had doubts in my mind that surgery would ever happen.  What if this doctor agreed with Dr. Wier’s opinion? What if I couldn’t have the surgery on October 17th? My mind did not stop with the ‘what if’s’.

Then, came the day of my first appointment with Dr. Beltre.  I was so anxious all day.. even had a panic attack.

As soon as I walked into Dr. Beltre’s office I had a good feeling.  I proceeded to fill out the mountain of paperwork that doctors always have you fill out. They took my weight, blood pressure (it was a little high) and asked me about my situation.  More sympathy! I couldn’t believe it, the staff had been sooo nice so far!  The nurse left the room and I waited for the doctor.  Dr. Beltre came into the exam room with a smile on his face.  He was very friendly and even joked around with me.  Not at all like Dr. Wier (who, by the way, I really want to start referring to by some terrible name but I’d rather have him and other potential patients of his be able to google his name and find this)

After a long talk with Dr. Beltre, he said to me that he *knew* I could be successful.  It’s going to be a lot of work, but he knew if I put the effort and really wanted it as bad as I appeared to want it, that I could actually do this and lose a significant amount of weight.  I cried, tears of joy this time.  Not only was he going to do the surgery, but he didn’t think that October 17th would be a problem.
I found my surgeon. 

He wants me to get on a high protein/low carb diet as soon as I can (which will be on Monday) and he wants to see me again in 3 weeks where we will fill out any necessary paperwork in order to proceed with surgery.

I found my surgeon.

But I’m still scared.  I still have doubts. And I still expect trouble around the corner.  It’s only human to have these feelings.  Especially when you’ve been through what I’ve been through with this.
But for now..  surgery is still a go   Thank you Dr. Beltre. Thank you to my angel.  And thank you especially to God.